November 29, 2012

In today’s segment of “Where Did They Get Their Start?”

Rajon Rondo - Computer Graphics Human Modeler for the movie Mars Attacks

November 27, 2012
Confused Tebow Endorses Virgin Airlines

In a moment of poor judgement Jets’ “quarterback” Tim Tebow signed an endorsement with Virgin Airlines. Said Tebow, “It’s very misleading”, or I think that’s what he said, he was hard to understand with the ball-gag in his mouth, wearing only a jock strap and Crocs, on the set filming his first commercial with the company. 

"The safe word was 'wildcat'"

"The safe word is ‘wildcat’"

November 26, 2012
Iverson in Trouble Again: A Pennsylvania Bankruptcy Judge ruled today that Allen Iverson must re-sell every single one of his cyber-monday NBA2K1 purchases. Iverson purchased 3,000 copies of the game at 12:01 a.m. this morning. When asked for an explanation of the purchases, Iverson responded thru an interpreter: “I miss Dikembe and my crossover, and I can’t afford a PS2… man Aaron Mckie sucked.”

Iverson in Trouble Again: A Pennsylvania Bankruptcy Judge ruled today that Allen Iverson must re-sell every single one of his cyber-monday NBA2K1 purchases. Iverson purchased 3,000 copies of the game at 12:01 a.m. this morning. When asked for an explanation of the purchases, Iverson responded thru an interpreter: “I miss Dikembe and my crossover, and I can’t afford a PS2… man Aaron Mckie sucked.”

March 9, 2012
Sports Report: LeBron James Airballs Trash Can

James, after finishing his churro, balled up the wrapper and shot and completely missed a nearby trash can. This came after a devastating loss to the Celtics that night and thus lowered his confidence, affecting his shot.

He begrudgingly walked over, head hanging, picked up the wrapper and tenderly placed it into the can, as more of a lay up. Witnesses said he sighed heavily,  mumbled something about Delante West and walked away.

(Churro, donut, same thing.)

March 8, 2012

March 8, 2012
Microwave Talks Back; Offends Woman

In an unprecedented move, in consideration of their usually laid back personality, a Microwave insulted a woman today at the local office building/prison with white walls. Upon attempting to microwave 3 pounds of KFC delivery, the microwave had finally had enough, and responded, “Listen bitch, don’t you think you’ve had enough of this? I can’t get the smell out of here to save the life of me, my electrical cords are clotted with fat and grease so I can’t imagine what your heart is like, and every time I’m around a bunch of old white people they smell fried chicken, awkwardly look at me, and finally turn their backs and leave to go to “a more relaxed environment.” So stop shoving this shit in me, and then in your mouth, and we’ll all go home a little happier. 

March 8, 2012
Movie Update: Tyler Perry To Make Manning Movie

Tyler Perry has just secured the rights to turn the Peyton Manning off-season turmoil into a full feature movie. He has disclosed some of the casting information: Jim Irsay played by Mos Def, Roger Goodell played by Perry himself, Coach Caldwell played by Madea, Curtis Painter played by Kevin Hart, Eli Manning played by Will Smith, and Peyton Manning will be played by Gabourey Sidibe.

He said production will begin in late summer of 2012 and probably finish in two weeks. The sequel will be announced once Peyton decides on a new team.

(His next venture: Tyler Perry presents the Tom Brady Story

March 8, 2012
Report: Pikachu Files Class Action Suit Against “Trainers”

Pikachu is filing suit on behalf of Pokemon everywhere against their owners. This should come as no surprise as there have been millions of fighting rings and organizations across the world where these poor creatures are forced to fight one another for mere “exp points”.

"This is an historic day for all Pokemon. We’re looking for justice, finally, amid this gruesome organization that has taken place over the past decade. They’ve made a humongous profit off of these animals and paid no royalties" Pikachu’s lawyer said at a press conference.

Allegedly the suit was submitted for charges of “enslavement, forced battle, improper and harsh living conditions, sexual harassment, murder, and genocide.”

The Daily Feaux was able to reach Pikachu for comment, “This has been a long time coming pika pika. I and my fellow Pokemon have been mistreated pika for too long pika. Ash, my former owner, did horrible things to me. I thought I was alone, that pika no one would help me. He used to summon me late at night, when he was drunk and force me to ‘chu on his pika’, and he liked it when I’d ‘electrify his pokeballs’… no more comment… pikaaaa.”

March 7, 2012
Sports Update: Magic Trade Van Gundy for Carlisle and Some Cheeleaders

In a strategic move early Wednesday morning, the Orlando Magic have traded coach Stan Van Gundy to the Dallas Mavericks for Rick Carlisle and three of their top cheerleaders.

Van Gundy doesn’t mind the trade, saying “they have hoagies in Dallas too right?” Carlisle, however, is livid. He said Cuban assured him he would be staying in Dallas for “as long as Cuban felt like it. Or, wait, he said he’d try to keep me a while. I couldn’t really hear him over the loud music and strippers.”

The three cheerleaders are very excited because Orlando is “like, in Florida right? And we LOVE magic!!” J.J. Reddick has graciously offered to host them during the transition and to show the girls his “Magic stick”, which he says helps him both on and off the court. 

Dwight Howard is very satisfied with the move, “this is what I’ve been talking about. I told them we have ugly cheerleaders and they fixed the situation. I’ll miss Stan, but I think Carlisle will be a good fit. It’s like trading Ron Jeremy for Jim Carrey, we’re all happy about it.”

(Stan and Jeff, in their younger days)

March 6, 2012

"No, you shouldn’t give up smoking, instead I’ll just endorse a pill that cures lung cancer when I get it. Shit’s just like Diabetes. Now get me another Diet Coke with a couple sugar packets before I go lay in a tanning booth."

"No, you shouldn’t give up smoking, instead I’ll just endorse a pill that cures lung cancer when I get it. Shit’s just like Diabetes. Now get me another Diet Coke with a couple sugar packets before I go lay in a tanning booth."